It’s never easy when someone you love passes away. You most likely are going through periods of extreme emotion, coupled with numbness. It’s unfortunately a part of life; everyone experiences it at some point. Fortunately, we can help each other through the pain. It can be comforting to know that we are not alone in our emotions. We also can try to find the silver lining; there almost always is one, hard though it may be to imagine. I hope you can find some comfort from loss in the words below.
This is Part 1 of a 2-part series. Read Part 2, ways to cope with grief, here.
If your loved one lived till a ripe old age:
Take comfort in the fact that they lived a long and fulfilled life. Perhaps you were able to spend many happy times with them, creating joy for both of you. It can certainly nevertheless be difficult to say goodbye; they may have been a longstanding pillar in your life. However, know that their soul has accomplished what it came to this earth to do, and they can go up to Heaven in peace. Oftentimes, the person is mentally ready to go and join others who have passed before; they may even be looking forward to seeing their family again. Try to find comfort after the loss by thinking about how they are now reunited with someone else beloved.
PERSONAL INSIGHT: My grandmother was lucky to be among those in this category: she died at 93, after a healthy and active life. She was a matriarch in our family and was well-loved. But she missed my grandfather and her friends whom she outlived, and at the end was ready to join them and see them in Heaven.
If your loved one was subject to illness (physical or mental):
Know that they are no longer suffering, and that they are now at peace. They may have been experiencing hardship or pain, and maybe you had to witness that unfortunate pain. It can be quite debilitating to see someone wrought with sickness, not knowing how to make them well. Now they have been relieved of that burden. Their soul is whole and back to its prime, not weighted down by physical or mental malady. You may be able to find comfort after loss, knowing that they are free of ailment and can be carefree.
PERSONAL INSIGHT: My maternal grandfather and father unfortunately both dealt with sickness. My grandfather declined due to Parkinson’s and slowly he lost his ability to walk as well as his sharp quick wit. He lived with the disease for approximately 10 years and passed at the age of 90. My father also lost use of his legs and was bedridden for several years, at the same time fighting the onset of dementia. It was difficult seeing both of these men fighting slow debilitating illnesses without seeming to get any better. So even though it hurt, it was comforting to know that at death, they were finally freed from years of suffering.
If their death was unforeseen:
This can be the hardest to deal with. You may feel they were taken from you, or you may question why they had to go. Perhaps you feel shock or disbelief that they are gone. You might find ways to fault yourself or say, “If only I had done something different” or “If only I knew such-and-such earlier.” At this time, it can be invaluable to have faith in a divine plan and purpose.
Lots of times, events may occur in our lives, and at the time, we just don’t understand why they happen. But when we look back in hindsight, we may gain more clarity. In order for us to grow as individuals and society in general, sometimes hardships must happen; it is in the face of these hardships that we learn to draw upon our inner strength and embrace parts of ourselves we never knew were there. Dealing with death and adversity is one of those things that we may wish wasn’t a part of life, but it is sometimes necessary to help us grow.
PERSONAL INSIGHT: Even though my father was bedridden, other than the fact he couldn’t walk or sit up, he never seemed to come down with infection, and if he did, he always got better quickly. That’s why it was such a shock to me when he came down with the flu and died within a week at the age of 74. Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it was nevertheless.
But I recognized immediately that all things happen for a reason. My faith in G-d rose up to give me courage and allowed me to see that even though I was in pain, that somehow it was all for the best. I’m not sure how he would have fared once COVID-19 came into existence. So I’m glad that I at least was able to see him in his last days and hug and kiss him; perhaps he was alleviated from further suffering. I also know without a doubt that I have become stronger and wiser: losing that steady guiding force compelled me to cement who I am, and encouraged me to reach out further to G-d. In this way, I’m able to find some comfort after the loss.
Having faith in a divine plan and destiny can help in all scenarios.
It can be quite powerful and reassuring to believe that there is a divine purpose for society, and that everything that happens is one puzzle piece closer to seeing the full picture. We may not be able to see it right now; after all, we can’t read the future. But I like to hold constant hope that we will be able to look back in hindsight and say, “Oh, that’s why.”
And in all scenarios…
The soul of the loved one is able to be reunited with G-d and their beloved family members in Heaven. These may have left earth many years before, and perhaps your loved one missed them. It can be quite comforting to think of them all up there, together, having a joyous reunion, and then smiling down on you, all together.
This is Part 1 of a 2-part series. Read Part 2, ways to cope with grief, here.
Cover image photo credit: IStockPhoto.com/kieferpix
