How to Be More Kind in Everyday Life

At this time of year, being charitable often comes to the forefront of our minds. We associate it with helping others in various ways: donating money or goods to charity, helping out friends and family, volunteering. But how else can we apply this concept, other than in the usual ways? Might it also mean something else, on top of what we commonly associate with the holiday season? What does it really mean to be generous, and how can we deepen our sense of compassion? Basically, how can we be more kind?

What Does It Mean to be a Kind Person?

Focusing on Gratitude

In order to demonstrate a charitable nature, we must first reflect on our own inner state of being. We should feel a true sense of appreciation for our own current situation. If you examine your own life and think objectively….are you happy with what you’ve earned or what has been provided to you in general? If you don’t compare yourself to anyone else – not anyone you know, not any expected life path – and you ask yourself, “Am I happy with what I have and where I am?” Is the answer yes? This is the optimal response, for it is easier to have a generous nature when you are satisfied with your personal life.

If the answer is no, think about this: why is that? Are you comparing yourself to anyone else, or to what you think is expected of you? If there was no conventional path in life, would you be inwardly and objectively happy with your current situation? Don’t be afraid to say yes. As long as your actions are lawful and moral, any potential judgment by others is unimportant. You only need to make yourself happy, rather than trying to please everyone else.

If the answer to that last question is no: take a few moments to think of all the things you do have. I’m not talking about physical things, no. I’m talking about things like not having to worry about going hungry, having a roof over your head, being able to experience life through your five senses, having even just one person care about you. Even the poorest of us has something to be thankful for. Once you find this innate gratitude that can be found within each one of us, and you begin to appreciate both the tangible and abstract positives in your life, then you can start to truly exhibit altruism.

Don’t Fall into the Trap of Materialism

On the flip side, when we say without hesitation that we are happy, or when we’re actively thinking about our blessings, we must be careful not to fall into the trap of cultivating materialism. If we are well off, it is easy to derive happiness from our tangible possessions. Say we get a raise, and we decide to increase our standard of living accordingly. We may start to fall in love with our new lifestyle. We may forget that we were previously happy under our old circumstances. Then say the job is lost, and we need to go back to the way things were. Will we be as happy as we were originally, or will we be reminiscing about when we had “more” or “better” things? It is easy to forget our humble beginnings and only aspire to lofty new heights.

Say nothing this drastic befalls us, but we just keep increasing our lot in life. A common side effect of this is the more we gain, the more we desire; we always seem to be able to spend more when we have more. When is it enough? Say you gain extra money and you spend it on something. What happens when you get tired of the new toy? Or say you buy a fancy car, but your neighbor shows up in something even fancier. Are you still happy with what you have?  In Exodus 20:14, one of the Ten Commandments specifies, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house: you shall not covet…anything that is your neighbor’s.” Comparing yourself to others can result in an endless cycle of “keeping up with the Joneses”, one of the effects of extravagant materialism; what you have is never enough. Will this make you happy in the end? You can’t take it with you, after all (per the wonderful play and movie, You Can’t Take It With You).

Taking it a step further can lead to a potential for greed. In the Aesop fable, “The Goose and the Golden Egg,” a man is ecstatic when his goose lays one golden egg per day, but soon he becomes unhappy, wishing for more; thinking all the future eggs are within the goose, he destroys it in an attempt to gain the supposed treasure inside, only to be left without either the goose or any future golden eggs. Similarly to the fellow in this story, we must guard ourselves against the prospect of greed, an all-too-common effect of materialistic endeavor. Humbly focusing on our current blessings can be one of the best ways to stop these self-serving cycles in their tracks and encourage us to focus our efforts toward others.

How to be More Kind in our Everyday Life

Understanding Others‘ Perspectives

When we recognize the worth in what we have in life, we can begin to focus our self-actualizing feelings outward. Listening to and empathizing with others is the simplest form of behaving unselfishly. Trying to understand others’ perspectives and letting them know you see them and what they’re going through – this can go a long way in reaching out to someone and engendering a spark of connection.

Understand that what you see of their life is only a small part; therefore, try to abstain from judgment. You never know: that customer service agent or customer who seems irritable on the phone may have been having a terrible day; that person speeding down the road in a reckless manner may be panicked because his/her loved one is in the hospital; that person who seems unfriendly or even angry for no observable reason may be fighting depression or grief. In an effort to demonstrate compassion, it’s best to try and refrain from possibly negative assumptions about a person’s behavior. Make an effort to be kind, since you never know what someone may be dealing with. I personally may be at times quick to exhibit a curt or impatient manner depending on the situation, so instead of constantly telling myself, “Be patient,” I now tell myself, “Be kind.” This can work wonders in changing the way I might react.

Anyone can show kindness, and all acts of kindness matter, no matter how small. There is a famous Aesop fable called, “The Lion and the Mouse,” in which a lion traps a mouse, who pleads to be set free, promising an act of kindness in return. The lion has doubts about how a tiny mouse can possibly help him, but indulges the mouse and releases him. Later, the lion is caught in a hunter’s net; lo and behold, the little mouse gnaws through the cords, allowing the lion to roam free. The moral – “a kindness is never wasted.” All acts of kindness are worth the effort, since you never know how that one act may affect someone in either the short run or the long haul. Even if all it does is brighten someone’s day, that can work magic beyond what you could ever know.

Be Kind to Yourself Too

Being kind to yourself through self-care is certainly part of being generous. We are often hardest on ourselves, criticizing ourselves unjustly or putting too much on our plate. Take a few moments to just breathe. Allow yourself to be present and fully experience the current moment. If you’re currently doing something enjoyable, allow yourself to put aside any worries that may be nudging into your thoughts, and just relax into the moment. Savor it. If you’re doing something perhaps not so pleasant, allow yourself a 5-minute break to simply breathe, focusing solely on the breath. This 5-minute mental respite can do wonders for your psyche. Self-care can of course also involve physical care, such as a massage or a luxurious bath. Whatever you do, treating yourself to a little dose of happy can leave you feeling refreshed and ready for whatever’s next in your day.

Love Thy Neighbor

Find small ways to show kindness to family members, neighbors, and the elderly. Offering to help in various ways is a great way to nurture connection, and even just reaching out with a phone call or a holiday card can help light up someone’s day. Volunteering is of course a notable way to show altruism. There are so many ways to volunteer, both in-person and from a distance; countless local organizations can use any kind of help, and your local town may likely have a volunteer program to connect you with regional opportunities.

Interacting with those who are perhaps less fortunate can be beneficial for all involved. People suffering from homelessness or mental illness may often feel overlooked. More often than not, homelessness occurs due to situational factors, rather than a consequence of someone’s work ethic (just one example being in the pandemic, in which people have lost their jobs through no fault of their own and therefore been driven to seek help at food pantries or struggle to pay the rent). Likewise, mental illness is no fault of the person dealing with it. However, those who are homeless or mentally ill are too often ignored in society; they can feel alone. Too often we look away when we pass by destitute individuals on a street median or on the sidewalk, as if we are afraid to engage with them; these folks may go a long time without even a word spoken to them. Oftentimes, a friendly how-do-you-do and smile, or asking their name and stopping for a brief chat – the simple act of respectful acknowledgment – can be as appreciated as the gift of money or food.   

Love the Earth

Another way to encourage charity in everyday life is by caring for our environment and planet. We all share this Earth and we must treat it with respect, if humankind and animal life are to be maintained; all life depends on the health of our natural resources. This can mean trying to reduce waste, repurposing items, and utilizing available recycling services. It can include investing in more efficient and environmentally-friendly forms of energy, such as utilizing solar panels, driving a hybrid or electric vehicle, or biking/walking/using public transportation more often. We can look out for our fellow animals, learning more about their needs, refraining from littering or unsafe disposal methods that could expose animals to harm, becoming involved with local shelters, and donating to animal rehab or conservation facilities. Everything we do as humans has an impact on our surroundings, but with due care, we can lessen the effect.

Contributing to Charity

And of course, the most commonly known method of exhibiting charity is donating to nonprofit and government organizations. In Judaism, there is a concept of tithing, or giving 10% of your income, referenced several times throughout the Five Books of Moses, one specifically noted as follows: From Numbers 18:25 – 26: “The Lord spoke to Moses, saying: Speak to the Levites and say to them: When you receive from the Israelites their tithes…you shall set aside from them one-tenth of the tithe as a gift to the Lord.” 10% is a great goal to aim for, but if you’re unable to swing that financially, any organization you choose to donate to will certainly be grateful for any contribution, no matter the size. An added incentive to provide charitable donations is the available tax benefit: if you itemize your deductions (and if you have a mortgage, your chances of itemizing are certainly higher), donations can be deducted from your income, dollar-for-dollar (i.e., your donations don’t have to exceed a certain percentage of your income for them to count).  As part of the holiday season, or any time of year, you can also teach your children the importance of giving; in Judaism during Hanukkah, as well as during weekly Shabbat throughout the year, there is a tradition to give “tzedakah” or charity, and it’s a great practice to make this part of your celebrations with children and show them its importance.

Takeaway

As you can see, being charitable can encompass so much more than we might originally think. It’s about a mindset of compassion and empathy. By engaging in charitable behavior, we nurture our sense of connection to our fellow man or woman. The more we can look out for one another, as if we were family (and in a sense we are, as we’re all G-d’s children), the more we can foster connection and community. Imagine for a second that person you see walking down the street is your parent, or sibling, or another beloved family member or friend; how might you treat them differently, both outwardly and in your mind? What if you could inwardly hold onto this newfound love for this stranger? You might be more predisposed to act positively towards them, which may cycle back in the form of this stranger seeing your action, born of no visible reason, and their probable reciprocation of your positive nature/deed; this can start the ball rolling, as you both derive happiness and continue to exhibit a joyful attitude to others you encounter. Maybe if we all keep this in mind, all throughout the year (and not just during the holiday season), we can help to usher in an era of newfound peace.

For additional reading, check this out:

• Being Grateful in Difficult Times
• 5 Ways to Add Peace to a Stressful Day In the Office
• 8 Habits to Live a More Intentional Life
• How to Detox from Smartphone/Social Media
• A Simpler Life: 8 Fun Screen-Free Activities

Sources referenced:

JPS Hebrew-English Tanakh: The Traditional Hebrew Text and The New JPS Translation, Second Edition. The Jewish Publication Society. 1999.

The Aesop for Children. Checkerboard Press. 1947. (identical 1919 version available to read for free online here)

Cover image photo credit: IStockPhoto.com/scyther5