Dealing with Grief: How to Cope (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a 2-part series. Read Part 1, words of comfort after loss, here.

Losing someone we love is unfortunately an unavoidable part of life. It happens to us all at some point: those close to us can’t live forever, and they will leave us eventually. It’s completely normal to feel a wide range of emotions after losing a loved one. You may feel angry, sad, numb, hollow, stressed. But there are some actions we can take to soften the grieving process and make it a bit easier. Read on for various ways to cope with grief. Some of the items mentioned below are Jewish customs in particular, but they can be helpful to anyone, no matter your faith.

Ways to Cope with Grief Immediately Following a Death

Closure with a Prompt Memorial

In Judaism, it is preferred to bury someone as soon as possible after death: “Until you return to the ground – For from it you were taken. For dust you are, And to dust you shall return.” (Genesis 3:19) According to tradition, the soul is able to be at peace only once the physical body is interred in the earth. A short duration between death and burial also allows the immediate stress of funeral arrangements to be short-lived. When my father passed suddenly on Shabbat, we set about making necessary funeral preparations as soon as we could after the Sabbath; I therefore only had to endure a couple days of stressful activity rather than a few weeks. The night after the funeral was the first time I slept peacefully, due to having that sense of closure.

Get help with funeral arrangements

It’s also wise to consult your local religious leader or someone else you trust, to help you with funeral/burial if arrangements have not been made in advance. We had to arrange everything after my father’s death; luckily, having a knowledgeable rabbi with connections to those who could help was a lifesaver. I felt comforted knowing that my father would be given all the honors to be bestowed on a deceased Jew.

Take time to mourn

Jewish tradition calls for a designated time period for mourning, during which work and joyful activities are frowned upon. The first 7 days after death are the most strict, to allow the family time to come to terms with the loss and cope with their grief. During this time, work, music/entertainment, and shaving/cutting hair are prohibited, and a special prayer, the Mourner’s Kaddish, is said three times a day. After that, the time period up till 30 days after death involves a few prohibitions, for instance, refraining from cutting one’s hair as a sign of grieving. For most loved ones, the active mourning period may end at this time, but for parents, we continue to observe some minor prohibitions and say the Mourner’s Kaddish for 11 months total. The teaching goes that every time the Kaddish prayer is said, the departed’s soul is elevated a little bit higher towards G-d in heaven.

The day my father passed, I had tickets to a performance event. I thought there was no use in giving up the tickets and that my father would have still wanted me to go and have fun. However, I was unable to concentrate on the performance or get any enjoyment out of it; all I felt was a numb sense of emptiness. I took a full week off from work, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on work at all. The denoted prohibitions may seem strict, but they are there specifically to allow us to just be, and process, without having any obligations to attend to. This helps us cope with our grief more effectively.

The Mourner’s Kaddish Prayer

This invocation is the keynote prayer in Judaism addressing passing. Surprisingly, it does not actually lament the loss we’ve experienced, but looks forward, expressing an unadulterated hope for a peaceful world. Saying the Kaddish prayer every day, focusing on those words, helped me renew a sense of hope. Hope that one day there will be only peace, goodness, and love in the world. Focusing on this emotion helps to uplift us and inspire us to do more good in this world ourselves.

Emotions and Thoughts During Grieving

Grieving can be a long and difficult process, fraught with swings of emotion. At first you may feel empty and hollow, like you’re devoid of sensation or just numb. You might very well break down in tears every single day. Even after time has passed, you may think of something that reminds you of your loved one and weep even if you haven’t cried in months. Psychosomatic symptoms, like headaches or muscle tension, can arise even if you think you are emotionally fine. You might be despondent for periods of time, or quick to anger or impatience with others around you. You might even be afraid that others near and dear to you might leave you suddenly, that your world could change through upheaval at any time, that nothing is permanent and darkness lurks around every corner. I felt every single one of these after my father’s death; if you’re feeling any of this, you’re definitely not alone.

(The Frozen song, “The Next Right Thing” describes loss perfectly in my opinion; listening to it, I recognized every single phrase as something I’d endured. You can listen to it here.)

All of these emotions are ok to feel; it’s completely normal and all part of the process. Even months later, you still may feel despondent at times, and this is perfectly fine. It’s 100% ok to not be fully bounced back to your normal self as quickly as you might like. Time is necessary to heal.

Coping Strategies in Months Following Death

After death, the memorial, and some time to mourn, there are some useful things we can do to help us slowly move forward. Below are some strategies that I’ve employed and found incredibly helpful to cope with grief.

Honor Your Loved One

Beginning with the funeral, set everything up in the manner your loved one would have wanted. Give contributions in their honor to organizations that they loved; continue to do this each year. As time passes, take time to actively remember joyful occasions with them and little mannerisms, quirks, jokes, or anecdotes that made you smile. Celebrate their birthday in the manner they always enjoyed and still would if they were here; partake in their favorite food or beverage and toast in their honor. In Judaism, we also observe the yahrzeit, or anniversary of death; this can be done by remembering them during weekly temple service, saying the Mourner’s Kaddish, and sponsoring a synagogue meal or event in their honor. Everything is done to pay tribute to the person’s memory and keep them alive in our hearts; by doing this, we can feel we are making them happy and proud, wherever they may be.

Learn Acceptance

Things will always happen that we cannot control. These may or may not happen, no matter what we ourselves may do. They are not directly or indirectly impacted by our actions. Death is one of those things we cannot control. We can’t say or determine when it will happen. Therefore, we must learn to accept it when it does. It likely will take time to do so; but once we are able to accept that it was outside of our control, we will be more at ease.

I mentioned above that you may have feelings of unease, worrying about the potential fragility of life as we know it, always on edge waiting for the next disaster to fall even when nothing is on the horizon. Learning acceptance can be beneficial in this case as well. All the worries, the “what-if’s,” are outside our own control. If we can learn to set aside things which are outside our purview, and simply focus on affecting circumstances which we can directly impact, then we can feel more relief. It can certainly take time to fully learn to accept life as it comes; two years later, I’m still struggling with this notion of worrying over the unforeseen, inwardly afraid of impending calamity. But I’m working on it.

Journaling

Writing down your thoughts can be incredibly helpful. It’s commonly known that it helps to talk about your emotions. But oftentimes you may not feel comfortable sharing what’s on your mind. You may feel that others won’t understand you or what you’re going through. Maybe you feel you don’t want to be a burden to others or bring them down. In times like this, it can be a powerful relief to simply write down on paper everything you’re experiencing. Just getting the words out there can feel like unloading a heavy burden. The journal doesn’t need to be read by anyone else; it can simply be a medium between you and your thoughts, and you can share with it as often as you want. I personally started journaling immediately after my father’s death, and it helped me immensely. I actually still journal, and it’s presently turned into a place to deposit all sorts of ideas, any thought-provoking event or lessons I wish to remember.

Therapy and Compassion Hotlines

Going to a therapist can be extremely beneficial to help you cope with grief. They can help you sort out your thoughts and even feelings you didn’t know you had. When I was having constant headaches, sore throat, and neck tension for the first few months after my father’s death, my therapist was able to help me understand that this was due to underlying tension, that even though I thought I was fine since I wasn’t weeping daily anymore, the grief was still there.

The funeral home or an employee assistance plan through your workplace may be able to offer access to a compassion helpline. This is a number you can call, where you can simply talk to a professional counselor about what you’re going through, usually for free and sometimes even anonymously. If you aren’t comfortable talking, you can also reach out via text to the Crisis Text Line, where trained volunteers are available to chat, also for free.

Takeaway

Lots of emotions start swirling around within us upon the death of a loved one. But allowing dedicated time to grieve, participating in religious customs, celebrating and honoring your loved one, and utilizing coping strategies like journaling and therapy can help to make the mourning process a little easier. The thing to remember is that your loved one will always be with you. Over time, they will become ingrained within your heart and even though you can’t physically see them, they’ll still be there, within you, always a part of you.

Additional Info:

This is Part 2 of a 2-part series. Read Part 1, words of comfort after death, here.

Songs dealing with loss – these are some of the most meaningful to me:

• Frozen 2: “The Next Right Thing“
• Celine Dion: “Because You Loved Me“
• Charlie Puth: “See You Again“

Sources referenced:

JPS Hebrew-English Tanakh: The Traditional Hebrew Text and The New JPS Translation, Second Edition. The Jewish Publication Society. 1999.

chabad.org: a wealth of information regarding all things Jewish, with an Orthodox/modern Orthodox point of view.

myjewishlearning.com: similar to Chabad, but with a reform or more contemporary stance.

Cover image photo credit: IStockPhoto.com/globalmoments